The Story

My plans unraveled in the sand, and I tried to knit them back up, but I failed and I'm okay with that.

I did what I had to do for me, and I'm alive and I'm living the best I can and I know I'm going to make it. I've survived worse and I'll enjoy better and there is beauty in the dissonance as well as in the chords that make the wind sing and the flowers bloom.

I've left a swath of ignorance and anger in my wake and that's just something other people are going to have to deal with. Guilt has bent my soul since childhood and I refuse to bow anymore. I left my beauty and dreams in lavender with my innocence and I will force my faintness of heart in there so that I can run freely again.

I used to want Somebody - a Prince? - to take me back to Yesterday and the loveliness of daydreams, but now I see that I missed things along the way so I'll learn a new walk by myself, with my feet on the ground and my face lifted to the sky.

I can do this today, tomorrow, and forever.

the free communication weekend

Today was not an easy day, neither was yesterday nor the day before. I've been working the 5 pm - 1 am shift, and even though I've been getting out of work between 11:30 pm and 12:30 am, I'm dragging tired by the time I'm done.

I get home and shower and then lie in bed with the tv on, feeling jealous of all the beautiful people in the Sunkist commercials who run across the entire country, coast to coast, in a single sunset.

I've been sick with either a bad cold or a miserable flu since Sunday and have been relying on a combination of dayquil and sheer determination.

This has lead to me waiting desperately for the weekend - although Friday is going to be difficult considering that there are two shows I want to go to, and can't decide which one is more important. The one show is sure to be good since I know the artist and have been to his shows before, and he's shooting a music video for one of his new songs. The other show is an unknown quantity as an ex-boyfriend's new band. I have, however, loved his last two bands and feel like I should support him. Choices, choices!

maybe, oh maybe, I'll go back to the days

I realized tonight that I've been making mistakes all along. I'm following my career and getting ready to fly on my own on a path I know I love and will enjoy working for years to come. I've pruned from my life those who detract from me, and drawn closer those who are good to me and good for me. I have family, friends and purpose.

So what is my mistake? I forgot to love myself and the world I live in. I forgot to dance in the middle of the night to pop music and to go get ice cream for lunch and to sing in the shower. I forgot the love of my high school sweetheart who continually encourages me and reminds me of the sweetness of innocence. I forgot to ignore the pain and smile because there's no reason not to.

But I remember now! I went out with friends on Friday and we danced like fools at one of the bigger Orlando nightclubs - and no one laughed at me for looking silly - and we danced and laughed the night away. I went out with more friends on Saturday and we squeezed into a corner at an English pub and drank good beer and discussed our careers and our dreams. We went to an all-night diner and ate cheeseburgers then down to a lakeside and planned imaginary vacations to all the places we've loved to go before and long to go to. Today I spent with my family, watching soccer, shopping and eating.

Now I am in my room, with a sleepy kitty curled up on my laundry hamper and I am listening to carefree pop music and remembering all that I forgot and will strive to remember from now on.

and Repeat

My last breakup was not good. I gave him space, and it wasn't enough - I no longer made him happy, and if that was truly the case I'm glad it's over. I refuse to fight to be with someone who wouldn't fight to be with me. I deserve (everyone deserves) better than that.

Last night I went out and played pool and darts with someone new. I thought it was safe because he said explicitly he didn't want anyone serious in his life. I was wrong. Maybe I'm reading too much into what he said...maybe he just wants "what all the boys want" - in which case he doesn't know me very well.

Time will tell?

Wish upon a star

Months ago I wished that I would be able to write again; I hadn't written a line for weeks at that point, and until a week ago I was in the same position.

Three weeks ago I noticed myself becoming more irritable, stressed, unable to sleep through the night. I was convinced it was graduation/graduate school stress - until one day when I found myself staring blankly at my desktop, wondering what I was doing with myself. I opened one of my manuscripts, and suddenly found myself swept away once again into the world that had once blossomed before me, then slammed the door and shut me out.

Be careful what you wish for, make sure to know yourself clearly enough to know when you're longing to follow dreams rather than the plow, and do not give yourself extra hours at the plow when what you really need is a pen and paper and some quiet time in which to write.

My life is still unresolved and full of questions. But I know for a fact that I can accomplish all that I desire to, even if time and sweat and tears must all be spent first. The turn in the road is approaching and I must tie up all the loose ends so that I may venture on to the next leg of my journey.

the perfect Saturday morning

I woke late, and revelled in the fact that I did not need to get up, but was getting up because I wanted to.
My tv is broadcasting HGTV and all of the silly, amusing antics of television carpenters.
I am now in bed, with a bowlful of sugar-free strawberry jello, and am about to read some of my favorite childhood books online in ebook form.
I have magnanimously allowed myself to skip working out today on the condition that I absolutely work out tomorrow.
Later today, I must start looking for a graduation dress and shoes, and then I have work at 8 pm.
Without doubt or contradiction, a perfect Saturday morning!

with all of the trimmings

I am a very lucky girl, in fact, I may be one of the luckiest girls in the world. I have a great family, great friends, and brains. I just wanted to say thank you. Especially to my friends who have been there for me, through thick and thin, listened to me when I needed to talk and let me be there for them when they needed me.
So...thanks.