So give me something to believe.
I sit alone in my apartment, music singing to me, the nighttime locked out and the darkness locked in. Soaking, crumpled tissues scattered on the floor are the evidence that I will hide come morning.
The beast is just my fear.
I spent two hours on the phone today, mostly silent, mostly listening. I txtd my cousin and my neighbor; my cousin is the best. I find myself judging my neighbors for the contrast between their words and their actions. I find myself judging myself for the contrast between my thoughts and my actions.
It's already done.
I talked to one of my friends - my real friends, the true definition of the word - tonight. He opens his life up to me, I open mine up to him and we comfort each other, strengthen each other, and laugh with one another. His reassurance keeps me afloat in the choppy waters when my lonely strength might fail.
Friendship, family, loyalty...I am rich in these things and many others, and still I wake up in the night and look at the empty pillow next to mine and feel the ice in my heart. I sit up every morning and know he isn't in the bathroom shaving; I check my phone knowing he'll never txt me again.
I want to be happy with what I have and am working to achieve. Is there an app for that?
Sunday, July 17, 2011
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