maybe, oh maybe, I'll go back to the days

I realized tonight that I've been making mistakes all along. I'm following my career and getting ready to fly on my own on a path I know I love and will enjoy working for years to come. I've pruned from my life those who detract from me, and drawn closer those who are good to me and good for me. I have family, friends and purpose.

So what is my mistake? I forgot to love myself and the world I live in. I forgot to dance in the middle of the night to pop music and to go get ice cream for lunch and to sing in the shower. I forgot the love of my high school sweetheart who continually encourages me and reminds me of the sweetness of innocence. I forgot to ignore the pain and smile because there's no reason not to.

But I remember now! I went out with friends on Friday and we danced like fools at one of the bigger Orlando nightclubs - and no one laughed at me for looking silly - and we danced and laughed the night away. I went out with more friends on Saturday and we squeezed into a corner at an English pub and drank good beer and discussed our careers and our dreams. We went to an all-night diner and ate cheeseburgers then down to a lakeside and planned imaginary vacations to all the places we've loved to go before and long to go to. Today I spent with my family, watching soccer, shopping and eating.

Now I am in my room, with a sleepy kitty curled up on my laundry hamper and I am listening to carefree pop music and remembering all that I forgot and will strive to remember from now on.

and Repeat

My last breakup was not good. I gave him space, and it wasn't enough - I no longer made him happy, and if that was truly the case I'm glad it's over. I refuse to fight to be with someone who wouldn't fight to be with me. I deserve (everyone deserves) better than that.

Last night I went out and played pool and darts with someone new. I thought it was safe because he said explicitly he didn't want anyone serious in his life. I was wrong. Maybe I'm reading too much into what he said...maybe he just wants "what all the boys want" - in which case he doesn't know me very well.

Time will tell?