Damned if I thought you would change

Reading an email from over a year ago I found this quote, courtesy of myself:

"I'm kind of just hoping that Prince Charming shows up soon. I'm getting sick of looking for him and never finding him. No wonder Rapunzel hid in a tower and Sleeping Beauty conked out."

I miss that girl, who knew how to laugh even when she started to cry. I know she's in me, but I need to remember how to write and dance and sing.

No matter what, I won't give up on my happy ending.

Monday Black-and-Blues

I left the sanctuary of my apartment as the sun set, the last warm rays glistening off the snow-topped mountains to the west. The wind whispered gently and my mp3 player kept me warm.

During my meeting-that-wasn't and class I was warm, enjoying the company and laughter, with trickles of fancy bubbling within me.

As I walked home the air was so sharp and thin and cold around me my breath fogged and clung to my face as the only other warmth in the world. Despite the whipping wind and the rushing traffic the darkness felt like a friend, and as I walked without a light I couldn't be seen by the others, secure in my shadowy realm.

Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone?

Cool, sunny and bright

Yesterday I stood in a valley, mountains beside me and a river under my feet. The wind tore at my hair and the cold penetrated to my very bones, but I was - if not happy - on the pleasant side of the line until we piled back into our vans and were heading back to the university.

I leaned forward in my seat and listened to Last Dance and looked at the miles of red and white lights that decorated the LA highways last night and realized with a sinking feeling that alone of everyone in the car I was going to an empty apartment and had no one to call to spend time with.

I walked home in the chill grip of the night and brushed away some bitter tears, pulling my hood up so that any chance passerby wouldn't notice and mock me.

When I reached the sanctuary of my apartment I deliberately and slowly emptied my pack and put everything away before I tore off my filthy clothes and got into the shower to wash away the humiliation and the pain.

Curled up on the couch I watched Harry Potter until I grew too jealous of the fullness of his friendships and called a best friend to cheer me. He calmed me, reassured me and talked nonsense with me for an hour and then he left to go to bed, since his day was miserable too.
Even though it was 9 pm I tried to go to bed too, but decided to read in bed instead.

At 10 pm another friend called and he cheered me up even more, so that when we said goodbye at 11 I was able to curl up and sleep.

My dreams were almost happy, and I awoke with some hope left for the world.

I wish

I wish I could breathe underwater, and continue to hope and love long after they've ripped me open and scattered my entrails to the world.

I wish that the beauty in the dissonance would resonate throughout my life and make all the ugliness of my scarred past tint to a wonderful shade of trial and strength.

I wish that the past would cease to ache and I would stop making stupid mistakes...or even worse, the same ones over and over.

I wish that the love I have for my friends - my real friends - and that which they have for me would warm me when the loneliness makes me cold.

I wish my smile would shine through...that smile I knew once and seem to have forgotten along the way.

I wish that I could make others happy, and be known as a loving person who you could go to in times of need...and in times of joy.

I wish upon a star, for me, for you, and for forever

The Story

My plans unraveled in the sand, and I tried to knit them back up, but I failed and I'm okay with that.

I did what I had to do for me, and I'm alive and I'm living the best I can and I know I'm going to make it. I've survived worse and I'll enjoy better and there is beauty in the dissonance as well as in the chords that make the wind sing and the flowers bloom.

I've left a swath of ignorance and anger in my wake and that's just something other people are going to have to deal with. Guilt has bent my soul since childhood and I refuse to bow anymore. I left my beauty and dreams in lavender with my innocence and I will force my faintness of heart in there so that I can run freely again.

I used to want Somebody - a Prince? - to take me back to Yesterday and the loveliness of daydreams, but now I see that I missed things along the way so I'll learn a new walk by myself, with my feet on the ground and my face lifted to the sky.

I can do this today, tomorrow, and forever.

the free communication weekend

Today was not an easy day, neither was yesterday nor the day before. I've been working the 5 pm - 1 am shift, and even though I've been getting out of work between 11:30 pm and 12:30 am, I'm dragging tired by the time I'm done.

I get home and shower and then lie in bed with the tv on, feeling jealous of all the beautiful people in the Sunkist commercials who run across the entire country, coast to coast, in a single sunset.

I've been sick with either a bad cold or a miserable flu since Sunday and have been relying on a combination of dayquil and sheer determination.

This has lead to me waiting desperately for the weekend - although Friday is going to be difficult considering that there are two shows I want to go to, and can't decide which one is more important. The one show is sure to be good since I know the artist and have been to his shows before, and he's shooting a music video for one of his new songs. The other show is an unknown quantity as an ex-boyfriend's new band. I have, however, loved his last two bands and feel like I should support him. Choices, choices!

maybe, oh maybe, I'll go back to the days

I realized tonight that I've been making mistakes all along. I'm following my career and getting ready to fly on my own on a path I know I love and will enjoy working for years to come. I've pruned from my life those who detract from me, and drawn closer those who are good to me and good for me. I have family, friends and purpose.

So what is my mistake? I forgot to love myself and the world I live in. I forgot to dance in the middle of the night to pop music and to go get ice cream for lunch and to sing in the shower. I forgot the love of my high school sweetheart who continually encourages me and reminds me of the sweetness of innocence. I forgot to ignore the pain and smile because there's no reason not to.

But I remember now! I went out with friends on Friday and we danced like fools at one of the bigger Orlando nightclubs - and no one laughed at me for looking silly - and we danced and laughed the night away. I went out with more friends on Saturday and we squeezed into a corner at an English pub and drank good beer and discussed our careers and our dreams. We went to an all-night diner and ate cheeseburgers then down to a lakeside and planned imaginary vacations to all the places we've loved to go before and long to go to. Today I spent with my family, watching soccer, shopping and eating.

Now I am in my room, with a sleepy kitty curled up on my laundry hamper and I am listening to carefree pop music and remembering all that I forgot and will strive to remember from now on.

and Repeat

My last breakup was not good. I gave him space, and it wasn't enough - I no longer made him happy, and if that was truly the case I'm glad it's over. I refuse to fight to be with someone who wouldn't fight to be with me. I deserve (everyone deserves) better than that.

Last night I went out and played pool and darts with someone new. I thought it was safe because he said explicitly he didn't want anyone serious in his life. I was wrong. Maybe I'm reading too much into what he said...maybe he just wants "what all the boys want" - in which case he doesn't know me very well.

Time will tell?

Wish upon a star

Months ago I wished that I would be able to write again; I hadn't written a line for weeks at that point, and until a week ago I was in the same position.

Three weeks ago I noticed myself becoming more irritable, stressed, unable to sleep through the night. I was convinced it was graduation/graduate school stress - until one day when I found myself staring blankly at my desktop, wondering what I was doing with myself. I opened one of my manuscripts, and suddenly found myself swept away once again into the world that had once blossomed before me, then slammed the door and shut me out.

Be careful what you wish for, make sure to know yourself clearly enough to know when you're longing to follow dreams rather than the plow, and do not give yourself extra hours at the plow when what you really need is a pen and paper and some quiet time in which to write.

My life is still unresolved and full of questions. But I know for a fact that I can accomplish all that I desire to, even if time and sweat and tears must all be spent first. The turn in the road is approaching and I must tie up all the loose ends so that I may venture on to the next leg of my journey.

the perfect Saturday morning

I woke late, and revelled in the fact that I did not need to get up, but was getting up because I wanted to.
My tv is broadcasting HGTV and all of the silly, amusing antics of television carpenters.
I am now in bed, with a bowlful of sugar-free strawberry jello, and am about to read some of my favorite childhood books online in ebook form.
I have magnanimously allowed myself to skip working out today on the condition that I absolutely work out tomorrow.
Later today, I must start looking for a graduation dress and shoes, and then I have work at 8 pm.
Without doubt or contradiction, a perfect Saturday morning!

with all of the trimmings

I am a very lucky girl, in fact, I may be one of the luckiest girls in the world. I have a great family, great friends, and brains. I just wanted to say thank you. Especially to my friends who have been there for me, through thick and thin, listened to me when I needed to talk and let me be there for them when they needed me.
So...thanks.

tell me how to feel

I feel nothing - a nothingness composed of all the flickers that disappear too quickly to register as a Something. December was a month of hell, overwork, stress and shell-shocked vanity run amok. And even in such blistering days I found something worth fighting for, someone worth writing for. But he is not for me, Time and Fate will tear us apart as surely as wrapping paper is torn to shreds on Christmas morn.

Foolish as I am, I allowed myself to pretend that I scratched his heart when we lay there in each others' arms, exchanging tender kisses and smiles. I ripped myself open so that I could feel his arms snaking around me, his head resting on my chest. And now he is gone and I am gone and I am slowly puncturing holes along the edges of the wound, lacing them up with sinew woven from tears, a rough seam to protect my ravaged heart from the world. Summer love is a fragrant fancy, but the comfortable coze of winter kisses leaves behind far greater destruction in its wake.

I rang in the new year with my kin and my lips remained untouched and chapped from cold and champagne. My birthday came and went, made pleasant by its peace and tranquility, and I returned to college, my last semester as an undergraduate.

My head droops upon the pillow, I long to be off this Catherine wheel of guilt and shame, and every time I think of him my cheeks flush. His heart does not belong to me, for his demons taunt and howl, and he must slay them quickly lest they destroy him.

No grandfather clock guards my hall, I hear no chime to ring the hour. A second may become a year as surely as thistles may bear figs, and I am lost in a sandstorm of wretchedness. I cling desperately to my career: the drive and ambition will serve me well and give me something to strive for.

That we had more words for love! What we felt was neither love nor lust, more true than like, less formal than romance, and too bitter to be sweet. His touch burned my skin and his voice still rings within my ears, and I wish to drag it out because I know he loves me not and to remember the tenderness of his touch with no hope of its return is more painful than I care to say.

Down with the children! Do them in! Hash them, mash them, boil their skins!