I am a very lucky girl, in fact, I may be one of the luckiest girls in the world. I have a great family, great friends, and brains. I just wanted to say thank you. Especially to my friends who have been there for me, through thick and thin, listened to me when I needed to talk and let me be there for them when they needed me.
So...thanks.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
tell me how to feel
I feel nothing - a nothingness composed of all the flickers that disappear too quickly to register as a Something. December was a month of hell, overwork, stress and shell-shocked vanity run amok. And even in such blistering days I found something worth fighting for, someone worth writing for. But he is not for me, Time and Fate will tear us apart as surely as wrapping paper is torn to shreds on Christmas morn.
Foolish as I am, I allowed myself to pretend that I scratched his heart when we lay there in each others' arms, exchanging tender kisses and smiles. I ripped myself open so that I could feel his arms snaking around me, his head resting on my chest. And now he is gone and I am gone and I am slowly puncturing holes along the edges of the wound, lacing them up with sinew woven from tears, a rough seam to protect my ravaged heart from the world. Summer love is a fragrant fancy, but the comfortable coze of winter kisses leaves behind far greater destruction in its wake.
I rang in the new year with my kin and my lips remained untouched and chapped from cold and champagne. My birthday came and went, made pleasant by its peace and tranquility, and I returned to college, my last semester as an undergraduate.
My head droops upon the pillow, I long to be off this Catherine wheel of guilt and shame, and every time I think of him my cheeks flush. His heart does not belong to me, for his demons taunt and howl, and he must slay them quickly lest they destroy him.
No grandfather clock guards my hall, I hear no chime to ring the hour. A second may become a year as surely as thistles may bear figs, and I am lost in a sandstorm of wretchedness. I cling desperately to my career: the drive and ambition will serve me well and give me something to strive for.
That we had more words for love! What we felt was neither love nor lust, more true than like, less formal than romance, and too bitter to be sweet. His touch burned my skin and his voice still rings within my ears, and I wish to drag it out because I know he loves me not and to remember the tenderness of his touch with no hope of its return is more painful than I care to say.
Down with the children! Do them in! Hash them, mash them, boil their skins!
Foolish as I am, I allowed myself to pretend that I scratched his heart when we lay there in each others' arms, exchanging tender kisses and smiles. I ripped myself open so that I could feel his arms snaking around me, his head resting on my chest. And now he is gone and I am gone and I am slowly puncturing holes along the edges of the wound, lacing them up with sinew woven from tears, a rough seam to protect my ravaged heart from the world. Summer love is a fragrant fancy, but the comfortable coze of winter kisses leaves behind far greater destruction in its wake.
I rang in the new year with my kin and my lips remained untouched and chapped from cold and champagne. My birthday came and went, made pleasant by its peace and tranquility, and I returned to college, my last semester as an undergraduate.
My head droops upon the pillow, I long to be off this Catherine wheel of guilt and shame, and every time I think of him my cheeks flush. His heart does not belong to me, for his demons taunt and howl, and he must slay them quickly lest they destroy him.
No grandfather clock guards my hall, I hear no chime to ring the hour. A second may become a year as surely as thistles may bear figs, and I am lost in a sandstorm of wretchedness. I cling desperately to my career: the drive and ambition will serve me well and give me something to strive for.
That we had more words for love! What we felt was neither love nor lust, more true than like, less formal than romance, and too bitter to be sweet. His touch burned my skin and his voice still rings within my ears, and I wish to drag it out because I know he loves me not and to remember the tenderness of his touch with no hope of its return is more painful than I care to say.
Down with the children! Do them in! Hash them, mash them, boil their skins!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Later on, we'll conspire
The backbreaking grind of my fall semester is over, my most pressing college application is sent - although some paperwork needs to be mailed off, stupid confusing websites - and I needn't work on any more for a few days, although I'll probably start working on some tomorrow.
Last night was my parents' Christmas party and that passed off successfully, I got to see several friends and eat a lot of very unhealthy food and life was generally good. Got to bed at 3 am, woke up at 1 pm, and am now cuddled up in bed, bemoaning the freezing cold 55F Florida weather.
Hooray for holidays!
Last night was my parents' Christmas party and that passed off successfully, I got to see several friends and eat a lot of very unhealthy food and life was generally good. Got to bed at 3 am, woke up at 1 pm, and am now cuddled up in bed, bemoaning the freezing cold 55F Florida weather.
Hooray for holidays!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
hollow
Work is breaking my back; I work 7 pm - 1 am Monday through Wednesday and 8 pm - 1 am Thursday, then a break til Tuesday when I once again work 7 - 1. A test this Monday, a paper today, a typology tomorrow and another paper due Thursday; another test next Monday and a lab due that Friday, and goodness knows what else. I MUST register for the GRE and take it again asap, I must contact all my possible mentors and see if they're accepting students and would like for me to apply to their programs. I must work on my applications, my end of term papers and term assignments, I must prepare for the field school interview and balance my checkbook to see if I can afford the fees.
Last weekend was the Florida-Georgia game, also known as the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, and I was so exhausted come Saturday night I was too tired to drink, and sat there, in my Hallowe'en costume, staring and my lovely screwdriver made with real orange juice, and had to will myself to sip it and shuddered each time I felt the alcohol hit my lips.
In all my three years at college I have not known two weeks like these, they generally last one, and are entirely tests, but this, with the endless round of papers, tests, applications and no time to do it in is completely foreign. The worst part is that they won't end til the end of the semester and I'm free to go home for Christmas.
Why couldn't someone have warned me not to finish up my required coursework til my last semester? Although, if I hadn't, I wouldn't even be able to try for the Ethiopia field school. They should have warned us about needing to find mentors rather than programs when applying to graduate school. If only I had known last semester, and could have done some in-depth research over the summer!
I have work soon and I dread it. I dread the power struggles between the managers, the disgusting students who leave my dining room in a shambles, and get upset when I've been handling a rush for two hours straight and inconvenienced them by letting the sauce packets run out.
I dread the people who stare at me with horrible looks when I tell them we've run out of something, stare at me in a way that makes me want to howl and hide under the nearest rock - it's not my fault the cooks are unprepared!
I dread the people who don't think I understand was "vegetarian" means, and repeat, "No meat!" over and over again.
I dread the people who ask me for water cups while I'm in the middle of something else, and get angry when I don't immediately satisfy their wants.
I hate the people who expect me to hand their credit cards to them immediately, and click the 'amount tendered' button on my screen without waiting to see if their card is declined or accepted.
I loathe being in the middle of trying to stock my station, or cleaning and prepping the dining room, or taking out the trash, and then have five students line up and I have to stop what I'm doing, run and wash my hands and then take their orders, all while being met with an offended air that I wasn't standing at my register, breathlessly waiting for their merest whim.
I hate the customers treat me like I'm second class, even though I'm a student here just the same as they are, only I work to pay for part of my way, instead of relying on Daddy's wallet for everything.
I dread work tonight.
I just need to live until Veterans Day...then I will get some sleep...then till Thanksgiving...then til Christmas, when I may breathe deeply once more.
Last weekend was the Florida-Georgia game, also known as the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, and I was so exhausted come Saturday night I was too tired to drink, and sat there, in my Hallowe'en costume, staring and my lovely screwdriver made with real orange juice, and had to will myself to sip it and shuddered each time I felt the alcohol hit my lips.
In all my three years at college I have not known two weeks like these, they generally last one, and are entirely tests, but this, with the endless round of papers, tests, applications and no time to do it in is completely foreign. The worst part is that they won't end til the end of the semester and I'm free to go home for Christmas.
Why couldn't someone have warned me not to finish up my required coursework til my last semester? Although, if I hadn't, I wouldn't even be able to try for the Ethiopia field school. They should have warned us about needing to find mentors rather than programs when applying to graduate school. If only I had known last semester, and could have done some in-depth research over the summer!
I have work soon and I dread it. I dread the power struggles between the managers, the disgusting students who leave my dining room in a shambles, and get upset when I've been handling a rush for two hours straight and inconvenienced them by letting the sauce packets run out.
I dread the people who stare at me with horrible looks when I tell them we've run out of something, stare at me in a way that makes me want to howl and hide under the nearest rock - it's not my fault the cooks are unprepared!
I dread the people who don't think I understand was "vegetarian" means, and repeat, "No meat!" over and over again.
I dread the people who ask me for water cups while I'm in the middle of something else, and get angry when I don't immediately satisfy their wants.
I hate the people who expect me to hand their credit cards to them immediately, and click the 'amount tendered' button on my screen without waiting to see if their card is declined or accepted.
I loathe being in the middle of trying to stock my station, or cleaning and prepping the dining room, or taking out the trash, and then have five students line up and I have to stop what I'm doing, run and wash my hands and then take their orders, all while being met with an offended air that I wasn't standing at my register, breathlessly waiting for their merest whim.
I hate the customers treat me like I'm second class, even though I'm a student here just the same as they are, only I work to pay for part of my way, instead of relying on Daddy's wallet for everything.
I dread work tonight.
I just need to live until Veterans Day...then I will get some sleep...then till Thanksgiving...then til Christmas, when I may breathe deeply once more.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Grad School
Is taking over my life. But tonight I'm studying for an undergraduate test, and I'm mad that I can't be working on grad school.
Anyone surprised at the lack of updates now?
Anyone surprised at the lack of updates now?
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
First Day of Autumn
Summer has officially ended, and the round of school, work, and grad school applications grows ever larger and more threatening, a dark cloud on the horizon of my daily life.
I have very little time to write anymore, and must cram in what I can in odd minutes and snatched seconds, sometimes early in the morning like now, sometimes late at night when the clock is counting down to dawn.
I must admit that I am excited for this Autumn, and even more for her sister Winter. The sooner I get through this season and the next the sooner I will have the business of applying and being accepted to graduate school over with, and can move on to the actual work. Is it strange that I'm more interested in getting my last year of undergrad over with than holding on and enjoying the last months of relative freedom?
The clock ticks on and I have class to get to, more later. Au revoir!
I have very little time to write anymore, and must cram in what I can in odd minutes and snatched seconds, sometimes early in the morning like now, sometimes late at night when the clock is counting down to dawn.
I must admit that I am excited for this Autumn, and even more for her sister Winter. The sooner I get through this season and the next the sooner I will have the business of applying and being accepted to graduate school over with, and can move on to the actual work. Is it strange that I'm more interested in getting my last year of undergrad over with than holding on and enjoying the last months of relative freedom?
The clock ticks on and I have class to get to, more later. Au revoir!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
what a concept!
We could all use a little change.
I stepped outside early last Tuesday morning and felt the distinct timbre of Autumn lingering in the chilly air. I did not expect her here so early, but I don't regret her advent as I used to. I love Summer the best, but I begin to see the positive qualities of her sisters, and enjoy each in their turn.
The first football game is over, and a second cupcake approaches. The smell of grilling and spilt beer seems to linger over campus for the weekend, and on Monday all traces erase themselves neatly as harassed students once more rush to and from class.
I look forward to a semester of friends, football, and a great deal of hard work, and look forward more eagerly to spring semester when the applications will be turned in, and all I need to do is tie myself into knots worrying about where I got in and if I got any funding.
I stepped outside early last Tuesday morning and felt the distinct timbre of Autumn lingering in the chilly air. I did not expect her here so early, but I don't regret her advent as I used to. I love Summer the best, but I begin to see the positive qualities of her sisters, and enjoy each in their turn.
The first football game is over, and a second cupcake approaches. The smell of grilling and spilt beer seems to linger over campus for the weekend, and on Monday all traces erase themselves neatly as harassed students once more rush to and from class.
I look forward to a semester of friends, football, and a great deal of hard work, and look forward more eagerly to spring semester when the applications will be turned in, and all I need to do is tie myself into knots worrying about where I got in and if I got any funding.
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