Do something different

I've begun again on that winding trail and am constantly beset by forces that push me and irritate me. I'm tired already but I'm fighting the fatigue.

In the darkness of the night I speak and am heard; I listen and reply, not always with words. The words take the edge off of my loneliness, but the bittersweet knowledge that we're separated by oceans still stings.

Maybe one day the world will shrink and the oceans move.

like the dead that walked before me

Today I stood and walked away, I'm never coming back this way - something about Does It Offend You, Yeah? just makes me want to write.

All the beauty in the world withers when you're in pain, and you wish would die so you didn't have to avert your face from the world while you walk alone but it never will.

So Happy I Could Die

Happiness is like sunshine: you can't hold it or store it, it's either there or it's not.

You can eat your feelings or drink yourself under the table but all it does is screw you.

chilly with a chance of pain

The sun also rises in California; I knew better than to expect my life would suddenly grow perfect, than to think I would become slim and brilliant and beautiful, with a smooth degree path and a sexy boyfriend.

And yet...I try to eat properly and go for walks...I study my lessons and do my job...I brush my teeth and medicate my face and file my nails...I talk to my classmates, I joined two clubs...with all of this, why is there no one to dance with?

The strangest part is that I don't do any of the above for strangers or Prince Charming, rather I do them for myself so that I can look directly into the mirror. I was always told that if I kept myself neat, educated and listened to others I would have plenty of friends...did I miss a step?

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, this masters' program. I'll work it out, and then I'll work out my doctoral program and then my job(s)...I can do this.

Let's dance tonight, just you and me.

Damned if I thought you would change

Reading an email from over a year ago I found this quote, courtesy of myself:

"I'm kind of just hoping that Prince Charming shows up soon. I'm getting sick of looking for him and never finding him. No wonder Rapunzel hid in a tower and Sleeping Beauty conked out."

I miss that girl, who knew how to laugh even when she started to cry. I know she's in me, but I need to remember how to write and dance and sing.

No matter what, I won't give up on my happy ending.

Monday Black-and-Blues

I left the sanctuary of my apartment as the sun set, the last warm rays glistening off the snow-topped mountains to the west. The wind whispered gently and my mp3 player kept me warm.

During my meeting-that-wasn't and class I was warm, enjoying the company and laughter, with trickles of fancy bubbling within me.

As I walked home the air was so sharp and thin and cold around me my breath fogged and clung to my face as the only other warmth in the world. Despite the whipping wind and the rushing traffic the darkness felt like a friend, and as I walked without a light I couldn't be seen by the others, secure in my shadowy realm.

Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone?

Cool, sunny and bright

Yesterday I stood in a valley, mountains beside me and a river under my feet. The wind tore at my hair and the cold penetrated to my very bones, but I was - if not happy - on the pleasant side of the line until we piled back into our vans and were heading back to the university.

I leaned forward in my seat and listened to Last Dance and looked at the miles of red and white lights that decorated the LA highways last night and realized with a sinking feeling that alone of everyone in the car I was going to an empty apartment and had no one to call to spend time with.

I walked home in the chill grip of the night and brushed away some bitter tears, pulling my hood up so that any chance passerby wouldn't notice and mock me.

When I reached the sanctuary of my apartment I deliberately and slowly emptied my pack and put everything away before I tore off my filthy clothes and got into the shower to wash away the humiliation and the pain.

Curled up on the couch I watched Harry Potter until I grew too jealous of the fullness of his friendships and called a best friend to cheer me. He calmed me, reassured me and talked nonsense with me for an hour and then he left to go to bed, since his day was miserable too.
Even though it was 9 pm I tried to go to bed too, but decided to read in bed instead.

At 10 pm another friend called and he cheered me up even more, so that when we said goodbye at 11 I was able to curl up and sleep.

My dreams were almost happy, and I awoke with some hope left for the world.