chilly with a chance of pain

The sun also rises in California; I knew better than to expect my life would suddenly grow perfect, than to think I would become slim and brilliant and beautiful, with a smooth degree path and a sexy boyfriend.

And yet...I try to eat properly and go for walks...I study my lessons and do my job...I brush my teeth and medicate my face and file my nails...I talk to my classmates, I joined two clubs...with all of this, why is there no one to dance with?

The strangest part is that I don't do any of the above for strangers or Prince Charming, rather I do them for myself so that I can look directly into the mirror. I was always told that if I kept myself neat, educated and listened to others I would have plenty of friends...did I miss a step?

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, this masters' program. I'll work it out, and then I'll work out my doctoral program and then my job(s)...I can do this.

Let's dance tonight, just you and me.

Damned if I thought you would change

Reading an email from over a year ago I found this quote, courtesy of myself:

"I'm kind of just hoping that Prince Charming shows up soon. I'm getting sick of looking for him and never finding him. No wonder Rapunzel hid in a tower and Sleeping Beauty conked out."

I miss that girl, who knew how to laugh even when she started to cry. I know she's in me, but I need to remember how to write and dance and sing.

No matter what, I won't give up on my happy ending.

Monday Black-and-Blues

I left the sanctuary of my apartment as the sun set, the last warm rays glistening off the snow-topped mountains to the west. The wind whispered gently and my mp3 player kept me warm.

During my meeting-that-wasn't and class I was warm, enjoying the company and laughter, with trickles of fancy bubbling within me.

As I walked home the air was so sharp and thin and cold around me my breath fogged and clung to my face as the only other warmth in the world. Despite the whipping wind and the rushing traffic the darkness felt like a friend, and as I walked without a light I couldn't be seen by the others, secure in my shadowy realm.

Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone?

Cool, sunny and bright

Yesterday I stood in a valley, mountains beside me and a river under my feet. The wind tore at my hair and the cold penetrated to my very bones, but I was - if not happy - on the pleasant side of the line until we piled back into our vans and were heading back to the university.

I leaned forward in my seat and listened to Last Dance and looked at the miles of red and white lights that decorated the LA highways last night and realized with a sinking feeling that alone of everyone in the car I was going to an empty apartment and had no one to call to spend time with.

I walked home in the chill grip of the night and brushed away some bitter tears, pulling my hood up so that any chance passerby wouldn't notice and mock me.

When I reached the sanctuary of my apartment I deliberately and slowly emptied my pack and put everything away before I tore off my filthy clothes and got into the shower to wash away the humiliation and the pain.

Curled up on the couch I watched Harry Potter until I grew too jealous of the fullness of his friendships and called a best friend to cheer me. He calmed me, reassured me and talked nonsense with me for an hour and then he left to go to bed, since his day was miserable too.
Even though it was 9 pm I tried to go to bed too, but decided to read in bed instead.

At 10 pm another friend called and he cheered me up even more, so that when we said goodbye at 11 I was able to curl up and sleep.

My dreams were almost happy, and I awoke with some hope left for the world.

I wish

I wish I could breathe underwater, and continue to hope and love long after they've ripped me open and scattered my entrails to the world.

I wish that the beauty in the dissonance would resonate throughout my life and make all the ugliness of my scarred past tint to a wonderful shade of trial and strength.

I wish that the past would cease to ache and I would stop making stupid mistakes...or even worse, the same ones over and over.

I wish that the love I have for my friends - my real friends - and that which they have for me would warm me when the loneliness makes me cold.

I wish my smile would shine through...that smile I knew once and seem to have forgotten along the way.

I wish that I could make others happy, and be known as a loving person who you could go to in times of need...and in times of joy.

I wish upon a star, for me, for you, and for forever

The Story

My plans unraveled in the sand, and I tried to knit them back up, but I failed and I'm okay with that.

I did what I had to do for me, and I'm alive and I'm living the best I can and I know I'm going to make it. I've survived worse and I'll enjoy better and there is beauty in the dissonance as well as in the chords that make the wind sing and the flowers bloom.

I've left a swath of ignorance and anger in my wake and that's just something other people are going to have to deal with. Guilt has bent my soul since childhood and I refuse to bow anymore. I left my beauty and dreams in lavender with my innocence and I will force my faintness of heart in there so that I can run freely again.

I used to want Somebody - a Prince? - to take me back to Yesterday and the loveliness of daydreams, but now I see that I missed things along the way so I'll learn a new walk by myself, with my feet on the ground and my face lifted to the sky.

I can do this today, tomorrow, and forever.

the free communication weekend

Today was not an easy day, neither was yesterday nor the day before. I've been working the 5 pm - 1 am shift, and even though I've been getting out of work between 11:30 pm and 12:30 am, I'm dragging tired by the time I'm done.

I get home and shower and then lie in bed with the tv on, feeling jealous of all the beautiful people in the Sunkist commercials who run across the entire country, coast to coast, in a single sunset.

I've been sick with either a bad cold or a miserable flu since Sunday and have been relying on a combination of dayquil and sheer determination.

This has lead to me waiting desperately for the weekend - although Friday is going to be difficult considering that there are two shows I want to go to, and can't decide which one is more important. The one show is sure to be good since I know the artist and have been to his shows before, and he's shooting a music video for one of his new songs. The other show is an unknown quantity as an ex-boyfriend's new band. I have, however, loved his last two bands and feel like I should support him. Choices, choices!