I wandered around

Last night, among the rollicking crowd I was conscious of a deeper feeling that I pushed away all night until I was alone in my bed and the emotion broke over me. Despite my many friends, and loving, supportive family that I try so hard to consciously appreciate, I am lonely.

When I awake at the everlasting three of the clock, I stretch out an arm to the right side of my bed, but although a pillow lies waiting, no head rests upon it and no hand sleepily clasps mine.

I resent the loneliness: I know that being happy now will do much for my future, friends, family, lovers all. Unfortunately hearts only feel, they do not think, and although I prepare for my future with the organ that does, my heart's feelings makes some difference in the goodwill and enthusiasm of my actions.

It's also difficult to discuss this with anyone - my friends merely encourage me to fight the feelings and to dwell on the positive, and my family becomes exasperated with me, feeling that after 21 years of being 'difficult' I should just get over the loneliness - as if a feeling is something you can root out of your soul the same way you can dig a weed out of a garden.

So I come to this blog, so full of rambling and feelings and the odds and ends of emotion and inspiration, to purge myself of these words and hope that once they are written down, that I can settle to my work and life once more with a clean slate and renewed enthusiasm for the day.