maybe, oh maybe, I'll go back to the days

I realized tonight that I've been making mistakes all along. I'm following my career and getting ready to fly on my own on a path I know I love and will enjoy working for years to come. I've pruned from my life those who detract from me, and drawn closer those who are good to me and good for me. I have family, friends and purpose.

So what is my mistake? I forgot to love myself and the world I live in. I forgot to dance in the middle of the night to pop music and to go get ice cream for lunch and to sing in the shower. I forgot the love of my high school sweetheart who continually encourages me and reminds me of the sweetness of innocence. I forgot to ignore the pain and smile because there's no reason not to.

But I remember now! I went out with friends on Friday and we danced like fools at one of the bigger Orlando nightclubs - and no one laughed at me for looking silly - and we danced and laughed the night away. I went out with more friends on Saturday and we squeezed into a corner at an English pub and drank good beer and discussed our careers and our dreams. We went to an all-night diner and ate cheeseburgers then down to a lakeside and planned imaginary vacations to all the places we've loved to go before and long to go to. Today I spent with my family, watching soccer, shopping and eating.

Now I am in my room, with a sleepy kitty curled up on my laundry hamper and I am listening to carefree pop music and remembering all that I forgot and will strive to remember from now on.

and Repeat

My last breakup was not good. I gave him space, and it wasn't enough - I no longer made him happy, and if that was truly the case I'm glad it's over. I refuse to fight to be with someone who wouldn't fight to be with me. I deserve (everyone deserves) better than that.

Last night I went out and played pool and darts with someone new. I thought it was safe because he said explicitly he didn't want anyone serious in his life. I was wrong. Maybe I'm reading too much into what he said...maybe he just wants "what all the boys want" - in which case he doesn't know me very well.

Time will tell?

Wish upon a star

Months ago I wished that I would be able to write again; I hadn't written a line for weeks at that point, and until a week ago I was in the same position.

Three weeks ago I noticed myself becoming more irritable, stressed, unable to sleep through the night. I was convinced it was graduation/graduate school stress - until one day when I found myself staring blankly at my desktop, wondering what I was doing with myself. I opened one of my manuscripts, and suddenly found myself swept away once again into the world that had once blossomed before me, then slammed the door and shut me out.

Be careful what you wish for, make sure to know yourself clearly enough to know when you're longing to follow dreams rather than the plow, and do not give yourself extra hours at the plow when what you really need is a pen and paper and some quiet time in which to write.

My life is still unresolved and full of questions. But I know for a fact that I can accomplish all that I desire to, even if time and sweat and tears must all be spent first. The turn in the road is approaching and I must tie up all the loose ends so that I may venture on to the next leg of my journey.

the perfect Saturday morning

I woke late, and revelled in the fact that I did not need to get up, but was getting up because I wanted to.
My tv is broadcasting HGTV and all of the silly, amusing antics of television carpenters.
I am now in bed, with a bowlful of sugar-free strawberry jello, and am about to read some of my favorite childhood books online in ebook form.
I have magnanimously allowed myself to skip working out today on the condition that I absolutely work out tomorrow.
Later today, I must start looking for a graduation dress and shoes, and then I have work at 8 pm.
Without doubt or contradiction, a perfect Saturday morning!

with all of the trimmings

I am a very lucky girl, in fact, I may be one of the luckiest girls in the world. I have a great family, great friends, and brains. I just wanted to say thank you. Especially to my friends who have been there for me, through thick and thin, listened to me when I needed to talk and let me be there for them when they needed me.
So...thanks.

tell me how to feel

I feel nothing - a nothingness composed of all the flickers that disappear too quickly to register as a Something. December was a month of hell, overwork, stress and shell-shocked vanity run amok. And even in such blistering days I found something worth fighting for, someone worth writing for. But he is not for me, Time and Fate will tear us apart as surely as wrapping paper is torn to shreds on Christmas morn.

Foolish as I am, I allowed myself to pretend that I scratched his heart when we lay there in each others' arms, exchanging tender kisses and smiles. I ripped myself open so that I could feel his arms snaking around me, his head resting on my chest. And now he is gone and I am gone and I am slowly puncturing holes along the edges of the wound, lacing them up with sinew woven from tears, a rough seam to protect my ravaged heart from the world. Summer love is a fragrant fancy, but the comfortable coze of winter kisses leaves behind far greater destruction in its wake.

I rang in the new year with my kin and my lips remained untouched and chapped from cold and champagne. My birthday came and went, made pleasant by its peace and tranquility, and I returned to college, my last semester as an undergraduate.

My head droops upon the pillow, I long to be off this Catherine wheel of guilt and shame, and every time I think of him my cheeks flush. His heart does not belong to me, for his demons taunt and howl, and he must slay them quickly lest they destroy him.

No grandfather clock guards my hall, I hear no chime to ring the hour. A second may become a year as surely as thistles may bear figs, and I am lost in a sandstorm of wretchedness. I cling desperately to my career: the drive and ambition will serve me well and give me something to strive for.

That we had more words for love! What we felt was neither love nor lust, more true than like, less formal than romance, and too bitter to be sweet. His touch burned my skin and his voice still rings within my ears, and I wish to drag it out because I know he loves me not and to remember the tenderness of his touch with no hope of its return is more painful than I care to say.

Down with the children! Do them in! Hash them, mash them, boil their skins!

Later on, we'll conspire

The backbreaking grind of my fall semester is over, my most pressing college application is sent - although some paperwork needs to be mailed off, stupid confusing websites - and I needn't work on any more for a few days, although I'll probably start working on some tomorrow.
Last night was my parents' Christmas party and that passed off successfully, I got to see several friends and eat a lot of very unhealthy food and life was generally good. Got to bed at 3 am, woke up at 1 pm, and am now cuddled up in bed, bemoaning the freezing cold 55F Florida weather.

Hooray for holidays!