the trees are full of starlight

Once upon a time, there was a night full of starlight and the wind whistled through the trees in a lonely song about the beginning of time, a time before the first hearts were joined together. I walked along the water, tempted to dabble my hand in the reflected stars, to see if I could pick up a star for just one second.

I stood there, wind ruffling my hair, and felt that strange essence of nature that makes you realize that all is connected, from the breezes that caress you to the earth that holds you up and the sky that offers you a place to climb. I looked around me and saw only trees and stars and water and felt the connectedness and still felt immeasurably alone. I could reach into tomorrow and still not find my amaranth, so reticent is she.

I walked home and took down some books I haven't opened in over a year, fingers tracing staffs and clefs and hundreds, millions of notes. My apartment was dark and empty but as I sang my troubles away it opened up and warmed to me. Long-forgotten memories and words wove themselves into glittering patterns in the air, and for an hour I felt the connectedness and the notes pressed around me so that I was no longer alone.

When I grew weary and put the books away, I lay still with the window open so I could hear the winds singing to me. The notes I had made stole away and I was alone again, but their memory comforted me even as the wind died and I was left to myself and the silence of the stars.

I fell asleep with tears staining my pillow, window shuttered against the world. I woke when the sky was on fire, and pushed myself forward into a new day.

it's amazing

Ever tried to shoot the 3-ball into the corner pocket when the cue ball is skulking five feet away near the side of the table? I did last night and smashed my right thumb in the process. This morning I woke up and it was so stiff and red I was convinced it was broken, but rolled over and went to sleep again...woke up five hours later and amazingly it's now flexible and less painful!
The moral: sleep away the day and the doctor stays away!

Severe thunder storms are predicted for the area so I've been wandering around listlessly all day inside the apartment. It isn't a prosy day, but rather a one of restless pagan whispers that catch you and drop you, leaving you staring at a blank screen and the blinking cursor.

Who knows what tonight holds. Hopefully, less pain and humiliation than last night.

Summer Daze

Days pass and I fail to write in the dizzying round of class, homework and sunshine. In the infrequent half-hours I permit myself to lie by the pool I feel guilty, but the relaxation it affords me is well worth it.

My new roommates are fun and keep the apartment alive with music and laughter, but they leave in August, and I'm starting to look forward to the fall with trepidation. I really hope that my last year of undergrad sees me with fun - or at least decent - roommates.

My one class is tiring me out. The constant reading makes me unwilling to read for pleasure, and less inspired to write here or anywhere else. I can't wait for this half of summer to end, and the second half to begin. Egyptology should be so much more fun than public relations. Less theory can only be a good thing!

Studying for the GRE has completely petered out after I took it the first time, but my score of 1220 isn't half good enough and I need to start studying again, retake it, and get a good enough score to get me into a good grad school.

Test tomorrow, studying calls.

bubbles

Bathing in my pool tonight I admired the green light of the water and the pale shadows cast by the almost-full moon across the garden.

Swimming laps I watched the bubbling foam flip away from my outstretched fingers during the sweep of each stroke. I wondered if the pool is something I should accept in my life as my goal, something I should strive toward achieving, or reject it as unseemly affluence.
I'm leaning towards enjoying what my parents have achieved and if I should achieve a pool, enjoy that too.

Spent hours today driving, unpacking, sorting and arranging. I'll be glad when Monday rolls around and I'll be all moved up to Gainesville and my room here will be empty of the excess it is crammed with during holidays. Moving is very tiresome.

Dreamland calls, and I finally get to sleep in tomorrow. Thank goodness for that!

lovegame

I dream constantly, asleep or awake my eyelids flicker as I fantasize about love and games. As a former model I habitually examine my clothes to make sure I'm setting myself off to advantage...and I have a bit of a taste for the exotic and crazy, particularly in the makeup department.
I'm obsessed with beauty and art, I love to combine the two and brush the combination over my rose-tinted ideals of love and sex.

Where is the glamour in the sex you ask? I know how to toss my head and pout and I can lure most men close to me. But I let them see my aggressiveness and vanity and they back away. Where did all the good artists go?

Sex is dirty - sweat and love and dirt commingle - sex is hot - sex is glamorous in the glittering candlelight - sex is love - sex is sex. Choose a box, any box. Are you a lover?

I'm going to be okay. I look in the mirror and tilt my head and let my hair tumble down. I must make the most of my beauty whilst I still have it, no guarantee of aging gracefully.

It's dark outside and light within, I twist and turn on 300 thread count cotton sheets. I grope for my phone to check the time and it's hours yet before I can tackle the day. No missed calls, but there never are.
I turn over, seeking a cool spot in bed, and smile as I recall the last party, the last show, the last bar and I smile again as I look forward to the next one. I'd love to meet you there.

Shall we play a lovegame?

holding back

In the darkness the aquamarine glimmer of the pool light reflects against the surrounding trees. I wander the garden, not afraid of the darkness, but trying to ignore it as I reflect on the past. Darkness and ignorance are what I strive against daily, on a personal level as I have little or no means to fight them on a larger scale.

I can't focus. Will write more later.

thanks be

Finished! For a whole week and a half...